Simple advice for talking with your kids about race, diversity, and cultural differences.
Martin Luther King Day is an ideal time to begin a dialogue with your preschooler about race and differences. This isn't always an easy conversation, but parenting expert Dr. Lawrence Cohen can help make it less difficult for you by offering advice for handling certain questions, scenarios, and concerns.
BROADENING FAMILY HORIZONS
We live in a town where most everyone looks alike and pretty much has the same religion and history. We love it here but our kids are growing up without really knowing anyone different. What can we do?
You are right to be concerned. Never being exposed to the great variety the world has to offer makes us poorer people. And if the only images of people different from us come from the television, our kids are likely to learn terrible stereotypes: for example, that African Americans are either criminals or servants or that Muslims and Arabs are all terrorists.
We may need to leave the cocoon of our immediate surroundings from time to time in order to meet people who are different. And we may also have to ask ourselves tough questions about why it's so hard for us to make friends across color lines (and other lines, such as class or religion). Martin Luther King Day is a great opportunity to push ourselves a bit in this area, to learn more, branch out more, and explore the world. Find a different church to go to one Sunday, find out about athletic programs, kids' classes, or after-school programs in neighboring towns that your children can take part in. Recognizing how separated the different religious groups in his town were, a friend of mine arranged a joint choir concert with his synagogue and a predominantly African-American church. It has turned into a twice-yearly event. Books are another way to help children understand different viewpoints and to expose them to different cultures. A trip to the library can take you and your kids around the world.
Finally, I think if you really look deeply into your cookie-cutter town, you'll find that everyone isn't really identical. Everyone has a story to tell about his or her own background, and celebrating those stories is a great start in broadening our worlds. (Remember that pride in our own heritage is not the same as feeling superior to other people.) For more reading on how racial separation affects everyone, check out "Eliminating the Hurt of White Racism" by Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand (formerly The Parent Leadership Institute).
HANDLING MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT RACE
The other day my 3-year-old son came home from a play date very upset. His friend, who is white, told him that the reason my son's skin is brown is because he likes chocolate. My son knew this couldn't be true. My husband doesn't want our son to play with this friend again. How can I help my child handle situations like this, and how should we handle it?
Please let your husband know that children at this age are not motivated by racism or hatred; they are just trying to figure out things that they see but don't yet understand. As Dr. Marguerite Wright explains in her wonderful book I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, young children focus very concretely on skin color and only later do they think of race in more complex ways. Kids may have many misconceptions about race and skin color. They may think that skin color can rub off or that it changes from one day to the next, for instance. When children are punished for making mistakes while trying to figure these things out, it interferes with their learning the truth. I hope you will nurture this friendship, because knowing people of different backgrounds, religions, and races is the best way to help children to overcome fears and misconceptions--and to avoid future prejudices--that keep so many people in our society apart. In fact, you might want to increase the number of play dates with this child or invite over the whole family to spend time together. You and the other family will need to work through a few complexities, but you may end up with a close and meaningful friendship.
To help your son, you can role-play with him ways of handling questions and comments like this. Take turns being the white child and ask questions about skin color. Come up with some silly answers that make you both laugh, like, "Let's eat strawberry ice cream and see if we both turn pink." Include some serious answers that teach him about himself and that he can use to teach other people, such as "My mom says that I am exactly the same color as her daddy, and he was the greatest man she ever met."
WHEN A CHILD IS SINGLED OUT
One day last summer, a teacher at my daughter's day care put sunscreen on all the kids except my daughter. The teacher, who is white, told her that she didn't need sunscreen because African-American children don't sunburn. I made a stink about this and made sure her teachers won't make this stupid mistake again, but how do I prepare my child for future occasions when she is singled out like this?
I'm glad that you "made a stink" at the day care. As you probably discovered, people may get defensive when they are confronted, but we all have to fight racism whenever we see it. It may help to recognize that many common instances of racism--including this incident--are the result of ignorance rather than malice. There are two books by Vivian Paley that you should recommend to your daughter's preschool teachers: White Teacher and Kwanzaa and Me. They both do a wonderful job of helping white teachers understand the complex issues involved in teaching in a multiracial, multicultural classroom.
To prepare your daughter for future incidents, make sure you instill in her a strong sense of pride in her heritage and her culture by talking to her about your family history. Make sure she knows that all her features are beautiful and that anyone who says otherwise is confused and wrong. Playing with stuffed animals is a great way to approach these serious discussions. Pick up two different stuffed animals and have one tease the other. For instance, a stuffed frog can say to an elephant, "You have a big nose." Let the stuffed animals have a funny interaction, work out their differences, and become friends. I also recommend that you read "Inoculating Our Child Against Racism" also by Patty Wipfler. She says that children instinctively feel respect for people regardless of race or ability and that parents need to preserve this inborn respectfulness in their children. Wipfler also explains that children are born with a strong sense of justice, and "If a child feels safe and strong, he will respond with indignation to racism, whether it's directed at him or at someone else."
