Simple advice for talking with your kids about race, diversity, and cultural differences.
BEING AFRAID OF DIFFFERENCES
I am a preschool teacher, and recently a boy in my class wouldn't hold hands with a girl during a game because he thought her hands were dirty. She is from Pakistan and sometimes comes to school with henna designs on her hands. I have explained to the class that this is part of her culture's customs, but this one child clearly didn't get it. What are some other things I can do?
Children naturally notice anything that is a change from what they are accustomed to seeing, and they might even be slightly afraid of things that are different. But that itself is not prejudice. To become prejudiced, children have to be taught to hate and to continue fearing those differences that they have noticed. That is why you are in such a wonderful position to have a profound impact on your students in terms of prejudice and discrimination.
When children see their teacher and other children holding hands and making friends with someone who looks different, they will usually overcome any initial fears. But for some children you may need to say, "It is important that we all be able to hold one another's hands here in this class. We're all part of the same community, and we all have to play together."
It also helps to have dolls and posters in the classroom that portray children of many races and cultures. Ask the girl's mother if she would be willing to come to your class and put henna designs on other students' hands. For other ideas, see the magazine Teaching Tolerance, visit its Web site, or try to find in your local library or video store the movie Just a Little Red Dot.
AVOIDING PASSING ON PREJUDICES
I grew up in a house where racism was like part of the furniture. My folks said every bigoted thing you can think of. I have worked hard to overcome that, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable around people who I was taught to look down on. My parents still make bigoted comments and I don't want my kids to be exposed to that. What do I do?
Bravo to you for wanting to break the chain of prejudice. Being uncomfortable is actually a good sign, because it means that you are moving out of the comfort zone of just accepting the prejudice you were taught as a child. If you want to continue moving forward, try asking yourself these questions (or get together a small group of people you feel comfortable with and go around in a circle answering them):
What are your earliest memories of people with a different skin color than you?
What are your earliest memories that some people treated skin color or other aspects of race and ethnicity as more important than a person's character or behavior?
What was that like for you as a child?
What questions or confusions did you have?
What reactions did you get when you asked your questions?
Can you remember a time you or someone else stood up against injustice?
As you answer these questions, you may find yourself flooded with memories and feelings that make you uncomfortable, but keep at it.
Once you have looked deeply inside yourself and addressed your own feelings, you will be better able to discuss these issues with your children and to tactfully interrupt your parents when they make bigoted remarks. Before heading into the lion's den of a family gathering, be sure to discuss with your children what they will hear, and explain that you can disagree with people and still love them. Although it is best to confront bigoted comments squarely and openly, you could also decide upon a funny hand signal that you can give your child whenever you hear something that goes against your values. It's up to you whether you fight every battle openly or quietly, but--if you don't want the prejudice passed on--you must fight every battle.
DISCUSSING MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY
Martin Luther King Day is coming up, and I am not sure how to talk about it with my 4-year-old. I want her to understand why he is important, but I don't want to expose her to scary things about violence and racism. How can I do this?
You can protect your child from discussions of violence that will frighten her while still being honest about the struggle for civil rights and equality. Go to your local library and find children's books about Dr. King--there are many good ones. Read the books to your child and talk together as a family about equality, peace, and justice. Talk about getting to know people because of who they are and not because of what they look like. Talk about your own heritage and tell your child about any role models in your family who have stood up to an injustice.
All children, not just children of color, need to understand the importance of Dr. King's message and to know about his accomplishments. You can broaden your discussion of Dr. King to include talking about him as a courageous hero who stood up for what he believed in and explaining to your child that he worked hard to make everybody's life better. Tell your child that Dr. King had a dream about how he thought the world should be and that he worked his entire life to make that dream come true--even if it hasn't come true yet, and even though there is still a lot of work we must all do to help make it come true. Discuss your dreams for the world and ask your child about her dreams. This holiday is also a great time to begin a life-long commitment to community service and to volunteering as a family.
If you broaden your discussion of Dr. King to include the ideas of heroes, dreams, and community service, just be sure you don't lose sight of the struggle for racial justice that was at the heart of his work. For many white Americans, talking about racism can be uncomfortable, but our children need us to be honest and open about this issue. I highly recommend that all parents read Coretta Scott King's essay about her husband's work and the holiday that honors him.
What are your earliest memories of people with a different skin color than you?
