Q: We live in a town where most everyone looks alike and pretty much has the same religion and history. We love it here but our kids are growing up without really knowing anyone different. What can we do?
A: You are right to be concerned. Never being exposed to the great variety the world has to offer makes us poorer people. And if the only images of people different from us come from the television, our kids are likely to learn terrible stereotypes: for example, that African-Americans are either criminals or servants or that Muslims and Arabs are all terrorists.
We may need to leave the cocoon of our immediate surroundings from time to time in order to meet people who are different. And we may also have to ask ourselves tough questions about why it's so hard for us to make friends across color lines (and other lines, such as class or religion). Martin Luther King Day is a great opportunity to push ourselves a bit in this area, to learn more, branch out more, and explore the world. Find a different church to go to one Sunday, find out about athletic programs, kids' classes, or after-school programs in neighboring towns that your children can take part in. Recognizing how separated the different religious groups in his town were, a friend of mine arranged a joint choir concert with his synagogue and a predominantly African-American church. It has turned into a twice-yearly event. Books are another way to help children understand different viewpoints and to expose them to different cultures. A trip to the library can take you and your kids around the world.
Finally, I think if you really look deeply into your cookie-cutter town, you'll find that everyone isn't really identical. Everyone has a story to tell about his or her own background, and celebrating those stories is a great start in broadening our worlds. (Remember that pride in our own heritage is not the same as feeling superior to other people.) For more reading on how racial separation affects everyone, check out the article by Patty Wipfler, "Eliminating the Hurt of White Racism."
Q: The other day my 3-year-old son came home from a play date very upset. His friend, who is white, told him that the reason my son's skin is brown is because he likes chocolate. My son knew this couldn't be true. My husband doesn't want our son to play with this friend again. How can I help my child handle situations like this, and how should we handle it?
A: Please let your husband know that children at this age are not motivated by racism or hatred; they are just trying to figure out things that they see but don't yet understand. As Dr. Marguerite Wright explains in her wonderful book I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla, young children focus very concretely on skin color and only later do they think of race in more complex ways. Kids may have many misconceptions about race and skin color. They may think that skin color can rub off or that it changes from one day to the next, for instance. When children are punished for making mistakes while trying to figure these things out, it interferes with their learning the truth. I hope you will nurture this friendship, because knowing people of different backgrounds, religions, and races is the best way to help children to overcome fears and misconceptions--and to avoid future prejudices--that keep so many people in our society apart. In fact, you might want to increase the number of play dates with this child or invite over the whole family to spend time together. You and the other family will need to work through a few complexities, but you may end up with a close and meaningful friendship.
To help your son, you can role-play with him ways of handling questions and comments like this. Take turns being the white child and ask questions about skin color. Come up with some silly answers that make you both laugh, like, "Let's eat strawberry ice cream and see if we both turn pink." Include some serious answers that teach him about himself and that he can use to teach other people, such as "My mom says that I am exactly the same color as her daddy, and he was the greatest man she ever met."
Q: One day last summer, a teacher at my daughter's day care put sunscreen on all the kids except my daughter. The teacher, who is white, told her that she didn't need sunscreen because African-American children don't sunburn. I made a stink about this and made sure her teachers won't make this stupid mistake again, but how do I prepare my child for future occasions when she is singled out like this?
A: I'm glad that you "made a stink" at the day care. As you probably discovered, people may get defensive when they are confronted, but we all have to fight racism whenever we see it. It may help to recognize that many common instances of racism--including this incident--are the result of ignorance rather than malice. There are two books by Vivian Paley that you should recommend to your daughter's preschool teachers: White Teacher and Kwanzaa and Me. They both do a wonderful job of helping white teachers understand the complex issues involved in teaching in a multiracial, multicultural classroom.
To prepare your daughter for future incidents, make sure you instill in her a strong sense of pride in her heritage and her culture by talking to her about your family history. Make sure she knows that all of her features are beautiful and that anyone who says otherwise is confused and wrong. Playing with stuffed animals is a great way to approach these serious discussions. Pick up two different stuffed animals and have one tease the other. For instance, a stuffed frog can say to an elephant, "You have a big nose." Let the stuffed animals have a funny interaction, work out their differences, and become friends. I also recommend that you read the essay "Inoculating Your Children Against Racism," by Patty Wipfler of the Parent Leadership Institute. She says that children instinctively feel respect for people regardless of race or ability and that parents need to preserve this inborn respectfulness in their children. Wipfler also explains that children are born with a strong sense of justice, and "If a child feels safe and strong, he will respond with indignation to racism, whether it's directed at him or at someone else."
Q: I am a preschool teacher, and recently a boy in my class wouldn't hold hands with a girl during a game because he thought her hands were dirty. She is from Pakistan and sometimes comes to school with henna designs on her hands. I have explained to the class that this is part of her culture's customs, but this one child clearly didn't get it. What are some other things I can do?
A: Children naturally notice anything that is a change from what they are accustomed to seeing, and they might even be slightly afraid of things that are different. But that itself is not prejudice. To become prejudiced, children have to be taught to hate and to continue fearing those differences that they have noticed. That is why you are in such a wonderful position to have a profound impact on your students in terms of prejudice and discrimination.
When children see their teacher and other children holding hands and making friends with someone who looks different, they will usually overcome any initial fears. But for some children you may need to say, "It is important that we all be able to hold one another's hands here in this class. We're all part of the same community, and we all have to play together."
It also helps to have dolls and posters in the classroom that portray children of many races and cultures. Ask the girl's mother if she would be willing to come to your class and put henna designs on other students' hands. For other ideas, see the magazine Teaching Tolerance, visit their Web site, or try to find in your local library or video store the movie Just a Little Red Dot.
Q: I grew up in a house where racism was like part of the furniture. My folks said every bigoted thing you can think of. I have worked hard to overcome that, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable around people who I was taught to look down on. My parents still make bigoted comments and I don't want my kids to be exposed to that. What do I do?
A: Bravo to you for wanting to break the chain of prejudice. Being uncomfortable is actually a good sign, because it means that you are moving out of the comfort zone of just accepting the prejudice you were taught as a child. If you want to continue moving forward, try asking yourself these questions (or get together a small group of people you feel comfortable with and go around in a circle answering them):
What are your earliest memories of people with a different skin color than you?
What are your earliest memories that some people treated skin color or other aspects of race and ethnicity as more important than a person's character or behavior?
What was that like for you as a child?
What questions or confusions did you have?
What reactions did you get when you asked your questions?
When was a time you or someone else stood up against injustice?
As you answer these questions, you may find yourself flooded with memories and feelings that make you uncomfortable, but keep at it.
Once you have looked deeply inside yourself and addressed your own feelings, you will be better able to discuss these issues with your children and to tactfully interrupt your parents when they make bigoted remarks. Before heading into the lion's den of a family gathering, be sure to discuss with your children what they will hear, and explain that you can disagree with people and still love them. Although it is best to confront bigoted comments squarely and openly, you could also decide upon a funny hand signal that you can give your child whenever you hear something that goes against your values. It's up to you whether you fight every battle openly or quietly, but--if you don't want the prejudice passed on--you must fight every battle.
Q: Martin Luther King Day is coming up, and I am not sure how to talk about it with my 4-year-old. I want her to understand why he is important, but I don't want to expose her to scary things about violence and racism. How can I do this?
A: You can protect your child from discussions of violence that will frighten her while still being honest about the struggle for civil rights and equality. Go to your local library and find children's books about Dr. King--there are many good ones. Read the books to your child and talk together as a family about equality, peace, and justice. Talk about getting to know people because of who they are and not because of what they look like. Talk about your own heritage and tell your child about any role models in your family who have stood up to an injustice.
All children, not just children of color, need to understand the importance of Dr. King's message and to know about his accomplishments. You can broaden your discussion of Dr. King to include talking about him as a courageous hero who stood up for what he believed in and explaining to your child that he worked hard to make everybody's life better. Tell your child that Dr. King had a dream about how he thought the world should be and that he worked his entire life to make that dream come true--even if it hasn't come true yet, and even though there is still a lot of work we must all do to help make it come true. Discuss your dreams for the world and ask your child about her dreams. This holiday is also a great time to begin a life-long commitment to community service and to volunteering as a family.
If you broaden your discussion of Dr. King to include the ideas of heroes, dreams, and community service, just be sure you don't lose sight of the struggle for racial justice that was at the heart of his work. For many white Americans, talking about racism can be uncomfortable, but our children need us to be honest and open about this issue. I highly recommend that all parents read Coretta Scott King's essay about her husband's work and the holiday that honors him.
What are your earliest memories of people with a different skin color than you? 
